Time to mourn

I know I normally don't talk too seriously on this blog, but it doesn't feel right not saying anything about what happened last week in Connecticut.  Myself, along with everyone else in this country are devestated.  And as a mother, I cannot even begin to comprehend what these families are going through.   It has felt like there has been a black cloud following me around,  and to know that it is their reality...there are no words.

I have done my best to avoid the news.  I have not watched one thing on TV about it, and most of what I read is through the interenet news or things people post on facebook.  I don't want to read the arguments about the politics of it at this time. Quite honestly, I have tried my hardest to stay clear of all of it.  Mostly because I don't want to consume myself with it,  and I have wanted to respect the grieving town and families.  But, in doing so, I have suppressed my emotions.

I realized something last night as I read the eulogy that Noah's mother gave at his service yesterday.  I need to let myself mourn.  These children deserve to be grieved over, their families, mourned with.  So, I finally gave in.  I cried for a long time.  I prayed hard for the families, I thought about the children and how similar they are to my Aiden.  I cried and prayed over my sleeping children.

Life is hard.  It's scary.  Being a parent is the hardest and scariest thing I have done. I know that these children don't belong to me, that they belong to God...but that is a difficult reality, and one that maybe I haven't totally accepted.

So, right now, I am allowing myself to mourn for these children and their families.  I am choosing to focus on them, to learn about them, and to read the wonderful things their families say about them.  I will think about the too short lives they lived here on earth.  I will will hold my children closer and thank God for every day I have with them.

You can read the beautiful words from Noah's mother and his uncle here.

Gabby

This week has been very up and down for me.  I've had days where I have felt awful- physically and emotionally.  And days where I have felt great.  I can't believe there are less than 2 weeks left until we meet our baby boy.

But one thing that has been on my mind is Gabby.  Gabby is a little girl from our town who has been battling a brain tumor the past few months.  My really good friend, Lindsey, has been putting together a fundraiser for Gabby which will take place on Saturday September 24th.  That is how I first heard about Gabby and her story.  This past week, Gabby has not been doing well,  but the good news is she woke up from her coma yesterday and is going home today to spend time with family.  There was a picture on facebook last night of Gabby and her 2 sisters lying in bed with her at CHOP, where she is being treated.  It was so overwhelming for me to think about what they are all going through.  I just wept.  I think having kids of your own definitely changes your perspective when you see things like this, but I think anyone would ask, "why?".  Why is this family going through this.  She was perfectly healthy as of May this last year, and then all of a sudden their world has been totally turned upside down.

I haven't talked much about my faith on here, but my faith is part of who I am.  I know that when I see something like this, it is easy for me or anyone to question why God is allowing this to happen.  But, I trust that God is bigger.  He sees and knows things that we don't, and that's hard for a lot of people to accept (me included sometimes).  I believe with all my heart that God can heal Gabby, and I am praying every day that he does.

I don't know how people go through life without knowing God is in control.  I am thankful and blessed that I don't have to feel that way.  It doesn't make things like this any easier, but I cannot imagine not having God to turn to.  I know that He loves me and I know that He loves Gabby.  He has a plan, much bigger than mine.  And I am thankful for that.

So, I hope you will pray for Gabby and her family.  I hope that you, like me, will hug your loved ones a little closer today.  And, I hope that you too take comfort in the fact that God is in control.